Ten Words to Avoid During an Interview

So, there is this list that enumerates ten words smart people often use, implying that if you are a smart person you would use them, too. The article’s central thesis is counter-intuitive and unsupported by any orderly reasoning. If smart people use these words (and these words are not sagacious, loquacious, or sesquipedalian), then in a very short matter of time, one of the smart people would repeat the list as Ten Words Used by Idiots to Appear Intelligent, and they would immediately stop being used by smart people. Their speech patterns would be forever hobbled, because the list of words includes the common ones such as if, could, yes, and, and their own name. Try as you might, it is difficult to find a cinnamon for your own name, unless your name happens to be a baby kangaroo.

At its essence, the list of smart people words is a desperate cry for attention by a dumb person trying to appear smart, so I left the following (sour) comment: Total drivel from a weak mind. Individual words by themselves carry no context and convey no emotional intent. Here are all the ‘good’ words in one sentence: “IF you had a brain, you COULD figure out that, YES, there are people out there who put meaningless word lists TOGETHER, and they don’t even THANK YOU when you CHOOSE TO read AND share them, even though they should BECAUSE (YOUR NAME) WILLINGLY increases their ad revenue.”

But, that got me a thinkin’. Maybe I could get some attention if I were to identify some of the bad words that should never be used during an interview, or any other time when you need to appear erudite. So, I made up my own list, in no particular order, and here it is.

  1. Psychosis
  2. Abuse
  3. Harassment
  4. Misconduct
  5. Trial
  6. Negligent
  7. Endangerment
  8. Depraved
  9. Parole
  10. Registered

See if you can use them all in a single sentence. My history of psychosis and substance abuse resulted in charges for harrassment and misconduct, which a trial determined that I was negligent for reckless endagerment and depraved indifference, and as a condition of my parole, I have to be registered with the local constabulary.

–DG.

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Yahoo! Answers, or Answers by Yahoos

If you are inclined to think that being human is pretty cool, and that humanity has a chance for something positive, you should check out Yahoo! Answers. There, you will find all of the evidence you need to convince yourself that the vast majority of people are no better than some sort of slimy goo that you would scrape off your shoes. The goo is orange in color, I would imagine, in case that is important to know. Possibly with flecks of brown, but definitely orange.

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Teachers: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

My usual reaction to someone posting the typical feel good meme about how great teachers are is to roll my eyes and click the unfollow button. Teachers are great, right? With very few exceptions, the overwhelming majority of the K-12 teachers I have encountered in my lifetime have been pretty rotten people. Whether it was my grade two teacher who used to humiliate lower performing students (i.e. children) by calling them up to the front of the class for a pants-down spanking, or my teacher in grade six who took some grotesque pleasure in verbally mocking and abusing her students, my personal experience with teachers has lead me to conclude that, collectively, they are a malevolent group of power tripping sociopaths who must compensate for their low self-esteem by imposing their dark will upon a classroom full of unsuspecting children who are only there because their parents have to work.

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Pandas: Nature’s Mistake

panda

Recently, I watched a documentary [Nature: Animal Misfits] about pandas on Netflix. The documentary about pandas was on Netflix, the pandas were not on Netflix making a documentary. No, it was a documentary by humans about pandas, and I watched it on Netflix. I hope that is unambiguous enough.

 

From this documentary I learned the following panda related facts*:

  • Although they are bears, and bears are ferocious carnivores, pandas are the only known non meat eating carnivores. They eat only fresh bamboo stalks and leaves.
  • A typical panda eats forty pounds of bamboo per day, which it converts directly to poop. They poop forty times a day. People who eat a lot of bran have to meticulously plan their outdoor activities so that they are never too far from a bathroom. It must be the same for pandas.
  • Due to the lack of calories and nutrition in their diet, pandas spend their entire day eating and pooping, or moving to their next supply of food. They have no free time for reading teen novels about vampires or producing documentaries.
  • Bamboo contains very little energy, so pandas do not hibernate in the winter like sensible bears do, because they are unable to store enough fat to go even one day without eating. They have to continue eating frozen solid bamboo stalks throughout the harsh winter on snow covered mountains. Smart bears go inside when it gets cold, but not pandas. Pandas are not smart.
  • Pandas are only capable of mating for a few days each year, and they are completely disinterested in sex, most likely due to the lack of saturated fats in their diet keeping them from producing the hormones required for sexiness. #SexyPanda
  • Although hoards of scientists are working hard to figure out how to increase the reproduction rate of pandas, should they prove successful, there is not enough of their singular food source to support a larger number of pandas (not scientists) in the wild.

How pandas became vegetarian is still a mystery, but I imagine they adopted the lifestyle in a manner similar to humans. A typical vegetarian conversation:

[V. One]: “I am so ethical and smug that I won’t eat anything that can smile.”

[V. Two]: “Well, I am so ethical and pretentious that I won’t eat anything that has a face.”

[V. Three]: “Oh yeah, I am so ethical, pretentious, and smug that I won’t eat anything that can cast a shadow.”

[V. One & Two]: “OK, you win. You are the greatest person of all time.”

Then, they all started trying to shame each other into becoming more extremely vegetarian until they ended up in their current situation. Since they are lacking the fatty foods necessary for good brain development, they are unable to figure out how to correct the problem, so they mindlessly continue with the same low nutrition diet mistakenly thinking they are better than everyone else. I imagine it went the same way with pandas, too.

What I have concluded from all this information on pandas is that we should stop trying so hard to save the pandas, and we should start eating them immediately. Pandas are stupid, and we would be doing them a favor by eating them. Think about it. All natural, bamboo fed; they would be delicious. Panda burgers… Panda steaks… Roasted panda with rosemary and baked potatoes… We already have lots of them in captivity, and they are really weak due to their limited diet, so they would not put up much of a fight.

Yeah. Let’s eat the Pandas.

* Facts are things that people claim are true but offer no proof or evidence as to their veracity.

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Silent Face

Perhaps, I do not deserve

But, I am not yours to judge.

The greatest gift that you could leave me with

Is your silent face.

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