Organic Children

Just like their poultry and beef counterparts, they are grass fed, and raised without antibiotics or hormones. Raised in the wild without supervision, these scrawny, underweight humans suffer from numerous curable conditions, but it is a small price to pay for the privilege of remaining vaccination-free. The ADHD variety are force fed a diet of Ritalin and Adderall, ensuring that they remain plump and lazy, and always physically underdeveloped. These kids taste some good. Fried or barbecued, try one today.

–DG.

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Lawyers

Lawyers, along with their lesser familiars from HR, people who could easily be replaced by a bulletin board or a mediocre intranet application, can readily suck all of the joy out of living life on the edge. Water parks, ski slopes, ice covered stairs, lawn darts, pull-tab beer cans, gold fish with laser guns, and grizzly bears riding unicycles through shopping malls are all victims, in one way or another, of the fun eschewing freedom hating goals of lawyers everywhere.

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WWJBD?

What would James Bond do? It’s a question I ponder in my brain whenever I find myself in an awkward social situation and I would prefer my outward response be a measured, nuanced display of wit and sophistication. Unfortunately, as a social role model, James Bond’s depth is somewhat limited. He would either kill something, rape it until it dies, or make a lewd quip or sexual innuendo, which I believe is an Italian brand of suppository, about killing it and then raping it. “I thought Christmas only comesĀ once a year,” is what he said while he was molestering Santa Clause. Santa thanked him for the milkshake and the ride home, afterwards.

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Poetry Night

Oh, why did I come out for drinks tonight?

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Things I Forgot

Until I came back to New York last week after nearly 2.5 years of being in California, I had pretty much forgotten these things:

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